In my opinion, this makes her pretty hard to live with.

The other night it was my turn to make dinner, and she didn’t believe I was paying enough attention to what I was doing. She followed me around the kitchen, criticizing what I was doing. She went to the refrigerator and got a tub of yogurt to eat.

I was doing a crossword on my phone while the rice was cooking but nothing was progressing fast enough, and – long story short – she ended up throwing the yogurt at me (spoon and all).

My back was turned and the yogurt hit my back, splattered all over me, and fell to the floor.

I wasn’t hurt, but I’m thinking this is the last straw. She did sincerely apologize. She blamed this outburst on her hunger, but I’m thinking of moving out. I’m not sure what to do.

– Man On the Fence

Dear On the Fence: Your girlfriend could easily control her “hangry” outbursts by grabbing a snack on the way home from work.

Her violence is unacceptable.

Men sometimes discount partner violence if they’re not injured. I hope you won’t make this mistake.

It’s time for you to get out. Move in with a friend, make a clean break, and don’t look back.

Dear Amy: Forty years ago, my wife was pregnant for one trimester. I’ve never forgiven myself for how I acted during those few months.

The pregnancy was planned, but instead of being pleased, I was assailed by doubts and fears. Rather than being supportive and optimistic with my wife, I was bad-tempered and unsympathetic. I felt trapped and resentful.

Then it all ended with a sad miscarriage and a consuming feeling of guilt over the way I’d acted.

Wanting to atone, I was supportive through five years of humiliating infertility treatments before I finally said I couldn’t take it anymore. She agreed. We gave up trying.

Was my behavior during that brief pregnancy as unforgivable as I think it was, or do other people have similar feelings in such situations?

If I found they did, maybe I could forgive myself.

– Guilt-Ridden Man

Dear Guilt: Yes, anxiety, doubts and fears during pregnancy are common, for pregnant women and their partners.

Do I know of men who have been unsupportive and bad-tempered during their partner’s pregnancy and the early days of parenthood? Of course. And pregnant women can exhibit similar behaviors. (I can’t possibly be the only one.)

Pregnancy can be an extremely stressful experience, and people who don’t take the time and effort to decode their internal feelings and seek ways to behave well tend to behave poorly, lashing out instead of coping with their own vulnerability.

The difference between your story and that of other prospective parents is that a lot of these negative feelings do migrate and dissipate as the pregnancy advances. The extremely sad series of losses you and your wife experienced robbed you of many things, including any opportunity of redemption through enthusiastic and loving parenting.

Atonement is an external way of behaving in order to try to repair a wrong.

Your ongoing guilt might be a sign that you still need to accept your actions and take responsibility for the impact of your long-ago behavior on your family.

We all make mistakes. We all behave badly. But the way to move forward is to admit your faults and frailties, and to seek to be forgiven.

Have you sincerely admitted and taken responsibility for your behavior – and asked your wife to forgive you? If not, what are you waiting for?!

You will only learn if your behavior is “unforgivable” once you are brave enough to ask for forgiveness.

Dear Amy: Your answer to “Depressing (but not depressed!) Daughter” was wonderful.

Your suggestions were simple and very helpful.

– Barry, in Indiana

Dear Barry: A person telling the truth about a dying relative is not a “downer,” as long as they accept “I’m sorry” as a sincere and adequate response.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

While I understand that physical appearances can vary within families, the persistent remarks and implications have started to take a toll on my self-esteem and overall well-being.

I want to find a way to address this issue within my family and to have open and honest conversations about my feelings without causing tension or discomfort. It is important for me to find resolution and acceptance, both within myself and among my loved ones.

— Deep Sense of Isolation

DEAR DEEP SENSE OF ISOLATION: Drum up the courage to have a private conversation with your mother. Ask her if the insinuation has any merit, if you could be another man’s child. Be direct, even though it will surely be an awkward conversation.

If the answer is no, ask her to speak to the family and invite them to quit their harassment. If their assessment is accurate, however, encourage your mom to reveal who your father is.

Either way, your mom should speak to the family and urge them to stop harassing you. You are her child and their family member, regardless of how you look.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Following the birth of my child via a C-section, I started to experience what I believe is postpartum depression. It has been overwhelming and emotionally exhausting.

One of the hardest parts for me is feeling an immense pressure to always appear OK. Despite the emotional turmoil I am facing, I feel like I have to hide my true feelings and put on a brave face for the sake of my family.

This expectation is becoming increasingly difficult to manage. I have been struggling silently, feeling like I have to suppress my emotions and not burden my loved ones with my struggles. It’s as if there is an unspoken rule that I must always be strong and put others’ needs before my own.

While I understand the importance of being there for my family, I also recognize the need to take care of myself and seek help.

I want to break free from this cycle of pretending and find the strength to reach out for support.

It is my hope that by sharing my experience with you, I can begin to navigate this difficult journey and find the help I need. Thank you for providing a safe space for me to express myself.

— Postpartum Depression

DEAR POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION: Statistics show that 1 new mother in 8 experiences postpartum depression. You truly are not alone. Still, it can feel isolating and debilitating.

Medical professionals suggest that you do the opposite of what is in your nature: Open up and talk about how you are feeling. Tell your family members. Ask for help with the baby and your household duties. Do your best to get rest — very hard to do with a newborn, I know.

For more recommendations, go to: postpartum.net/resources. If you are ever feeling unstable, call the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262).

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

After that, she did another round of wiping snow off her car, knocking it into the area I had just cleared for her. So I reshoveled that snow.

She finished sooner than I did, and departed without either acknowledging my help or thanking me for it. I felt a bit of a fool for doing a favor for someone who didn’t care.

What do I do the next time it snows? Will I deserve the glare I’ll get if I fail to clear her space? I don’t wish to create an adversary, but neither do I wish to be made a fool again.

Either way, I won’t expect a “thank you” in the future.

GENTLE READER: Why would you not expect a thank you, now or in the future?

Miss Manners would, and she would also assume, provisionally, that your neighbor’s omission was an oversight rather than an intentional slight.

If you neglect to volunteer next time and do get an undeserved glare, Miss Manners will have been proven wrong — and you may thereafter keep to your own space.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m used to fielding “save the dates” for weddings. In those cases, they are a courtesy, allowing guests to plan for travel and time away from home.

However, I have a relative who has adopted the “save the date” practice for their young children’s birthdays, asking our availability four to six months in advance! There is no travel to plan, as all of our family members live within an hour of their home.

I can’t help but be resentful of the advance claims on my time. I may not currently have firm plans for that date, but I expect to have other demands on my time as it gets closer!

How can I best respond to inquiries about my availability so far in advance, especially when I don’t even think the child will note my presence or absence? Is there an outer limit on expecting others to hold dates for children’s parties?

GENTLE READER: Your relative would have been cleverer to have issued invitations, thereby requiring a commitment on your part if you were unable to devise an excuse.

Miss Manners realizes this may subject you to unfair accusations that you were warned. But at least you will not have to attend the party.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

The bride is dictating what her guests are to wear, in addition to telling her mother (my sister) what she is to wear and that she needs to get hair extensions and have her makeup professionally done.

The list goes on and on. She brought her girlfriends to a bridal shop and, without asking about a budget, tried on gown after gown with no regard to cost. She fell in love with one that is beyond her mother’s budget and demanded, “This is my dress!” My sister, wanting to avoid a scene, paid for it.

My sister has been excluded from all the wedding planning. The bride is deferring to her father and stepmother, who are paying for most of the wedding. If anyone offers a suggestion or asks a question, it is met with hostility.

How do we handle this? My sister feels defeated and is deeply hurt by her daughter’s actions.

— AUNT OF A MONSTER

DEAR AUNT: This production (I hesitate to call it a wedding) has gone so far out of control that there is nothing you or your sister can do about it. Her chance to intervene and inject some sobriety vanished the moment she paid for the bridal gown she couldn’t afford.

If your sister can’t afford hair extensions and a professional makeup job (and possibly a new dress) for her daughter’s special day, she should consider coming just as she is and forgo being part of the wedding. She should also thank her higher power that she isn’t being ordered to fly to Bermuda or Bali in order to participate.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has been neglectful and hateful toward me ever since I was verbally abusive more than four years ago.

I had fallen into a serious substance addiction around the same time, but I have been clean for more than a year. The addiction is another reason she is hateful toward me and holds a grudge.

I understand how addiction affects loved ones and that our relationship is probably over.

My problem is, we have two very young children and split the mortgage and all other bills 50-50. I cannot afford to live on my own. She can’t afford to live alone, either.

I can’t imagine trying to pay child support as well as rent somewhere else, even if I got another full-time job.

I have done everything I can to make amends, but there is no hope. We tried counseling. It didn’t help.

— LOW IN OHIO

DEAR LOW: So the abused has become the abuser. Unless your wife is willing to bury the hatchet (somewhere other than in you) and agree to marriage counseling with a different therapist, I don’t think there is hope for the two of you.

Ask her if, for the sake of the kids, she is willing to try. But if she refuses, consult an attorney about separating as amicably as possible.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

How would you feel if I looked at a photo of your kids and said, “I’d never have kids. I just don’t trust them?”

If someone makes fun of my fur-babies, I’m going after them with everything I have.

– Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: If you said, “I’d never have kids. I just don’t trust them,” I’d agree with you.

“Retaliating” by publicly trashing a co-worker’s family on social media platforms would – and should – get you fired.

Dear Amy: My wife of 40 years is a beautiful woman and always has been.

When younger, she turned many heads. To this day (when she wears makeup), she still is quite attractive.

The one caveat is that now that she is in her 70s, she has developed many wrinkles.

She frequently asks me if I think she is looking much older. I would never upset her, and so I fib and say “no.”

At times she will look at another woman who has lots of wrinkles and ask, “Do I have as many wrinkles as she does?”

I always say “Not even close,” although in some instances she does have as many.

Am I right to fib? I could never see myself saying, “Yes, dear, you have a lot of wrinkles.”

I love her, and it truly doesn’t matter to me.

Your thoughts?

– Loving Husband

Dear Loving Husband: You write this as though your wife has aged but you have not.

You also seem to believe that the aging process, which is both natural and unavoidable, renders people unattractive.

If you have somehow miraculously not aged in these last 40 years, then your position as the Rip Van Winkle in your family gives you the authority to be the wrinkle arbiter.

However, I’m going to assume that you are an average person and that you are showing your years – along with the rest of us.

If so, when your wife expresses her deep insecurities, you might identify with her, rather than behave in a way that is dishonest or disingenuous.

Say to her, “Honey, look at us both. Look at our friends and family members. Take a good look. Every sign of our age means that we are alive. Our lumps and bumps are reminders that we have the privilege of living in our bodies. Our wrinkles are the map of our experiences.”

And when your wife brushes off your lofty musings, definitely deliver a kindly fib.

All of this would be much easier – for both of you – if you truly believed your wife was beautiful (as is!) and could say as much with absolute sincerity.

I hope you can.

Dear Amy: Our daughter recently got engaged to a smart and responsible young man.

We’re thrilled, except for one thing: We have nothing in common with his parents.

Their background is completely different from mine and my husband’s. They don’t speak English fluently enough, nor do we speak their language fluently enough, to have a conversation to get to know them better.

I’m anticipating several family events over the next year when we’ll have to mix and socialize.

Please help me figure out how to negotiate these events and become a good in-law to my daughter’s future parents-in-law.

– Really Grasping

Dear Grasping: I have good news for you.

The way to be a good in-law is the same way to be a good person: to be patient, welcoming, friendly and kind.

You should ask your future son-in-law for suggestions of ways you can get to know his parents better. What are their interests, hobbies, favorite foods?

Invite them to visit your home with the engaged couple so you can get to know them a little better in a small group in advance of the wedding, with the son on hand to help translate.

When it comes to larger events, make sure to introduce them to other extended family members and wedding guests.

If you don’t hit it off with them, also understand that many in-laws don’t actually get to know one another that well or choose to spend time together, aside from mutually participating in wedding events.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

Additionally, there is an expectation that I should always put my siblings’ needs before my own, even if it means sacrificing my own well-being and happiness.

This pressure to constantly “magparaya,” or give way to my younger siblings, is emotionally overwhelming and suffocating to continuously prioritize their needs over my own, without any consideration for my own desires or aspirations. It leaves me feeling unseen and undervalued.

It is also important for me to establish healthy boundaries and find a balance between caring for my siblings and taking care of myself. What should I do?

— Unseen and Undervalued

DEAR UNSEEN AND UNDERVALUED: You are grappling with cultural norms and traditions from your Filipino culture as you attempt to exert your independence.

Inherently, there is conflict, especially since it seems you come from a traditional family. To break from tradition, you must be ready to be estranged from family members, at least for a while. They may not understand your desire to be more visible and to forge your own way.

If this is what you need, prepare yourself to separate from the family unit, make your own path and establish your life. This will be difficult and may require you to physically move.

Over time, you may be able to become strong as an independent person and rekindle family bonds, but it will take time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am currently struggling with a phobia related to gunshots and police sirens due to childhood traumas.

When I was a child, I experienced instances where my father would bring conflict into our home, and it has left a lasting impact on me. As a result, I have developed an intense fear and anxiety around the sound of gunshots and police sirens.

These triggers take me back to those traumatic experiences and cause significant distress. It has reached a point where these sounds disrupt my daily life and affect my overall well-being.

Harriette, I am reaching out to seek your advice on how to overcome this phobia and find peace. How can I manage these triggers and regain a sense of safety and calm?

— Phobia of Gunshots

DEAR PHOBIA OF GUNSHOTS: On a practical level, I ask if you currently live in a safe neighborhood. While no area is immune to potential violence, some are safer than others. Especially given your past, you should put yourself in a well-protected location with security.

You must face the incidents that occurred with your father. No matter how frightening they were, when you examine them and determine what happened and why, you may be able to relieve some of the overarching pressure that you are feeling right now. Get help!

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

My husband says they should just invite whom they feel closest to, but I see a problem with that — for example, if they choose three cousins but not all five.

My heart tells me it is their wedding and they can do what they want, but I’m not sure I can deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for the next 20 years if they decide to be choosy.

GENTLE READER: To whom did your husband offer his advice? If it was only meant for you — as a way of saying that the time for parental advice has passed — Miss Manners must disagree with him.

If it was meant for your son, then we instead disagree on what constitutes good parental advice.

Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously.

As to ranking the relatives, this is best done verbally; if such a list were to be written down and inadvertently forwarded, 20 years would be a light sentence for the resulting storm.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s old boss and his wife invited us to join a local yacht club. Ever since we joined, the wife has been bubbling with snippy comments about my grooming and hairstyle, alluding to where I may have purchased my clothing, and making numerous misguided class-oriented statements.

She seems to have brought me into the club as a target, like a clay pigeon. In their eyes, we were good enough to be nominated and sponsored, but now that we’re in, I’m considered an “improvement project” by these elders.

I have tried to generously assume the differences are generational (80s vs. 50s) or cultural (I’m not alcoholic, but the sponsors are markedly so).

She’s made the club a lot less fun by biting my ankles. My husband insists the chiding will go away in time. I see no end to my sponsor’s backhanded comments, though, and no longer find the scene so charming.

Is there a way to trim my sponsor’s snippy commentary without reminding her that alcohol makes her a poor host?

GENTLE READER: Let’s also avoid telling her that alcoholism is a “cultural difference.”

Miss Manners does not believe that the wife’s rudeness cancels out past kindnesses, but you are now equals — as members and adults. You should not feel obliged to spend time with them if it is a burden.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

The kids have noticed how she takes off in the middle of the day for hours to do a “solo hike.” Several times, my teenage daughter has called me at work, frantic, saying Mom is not answering either of her phones and was supposed to pick her up at the agreed-upon location.

My wife claims to love me as well as the other man and wants to continue both relationships.

For our family’s sake, it is sad that this has happened.

He is the manager of a local business, and I encounter him from time to time. I want to ask him how he thinks this is OK.

What should I do?

— SHARING HER IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR SHARING HER: Make up your mind about what kind of a marriage you want.

If it’s what you are experiencing now, do nothing. However, if it isn’t, tell your wandering wife she must end the affair now. Offer her the option of counseling to see if you can get your marriage back on track.

Instead of talking with the man she’s having the fling with, tell his wife what has been happening if she’s unaware.

That your wife is so irresponsible she would leave her daughter stranded while she’s “hiking” is disgraceful. If your wife refuses counseling, contact an attorney.

DEAR ABBY: I recently married and was excited to be part of my husband’s family. My own siblings and I are not particularly close.

During COVID, one of my husband’s sisters started a family text chain in which they share what’s happening in their lives. I thought it was a great idea.

Not technically being a family member yet, I understood why I wasn’t included in the thread. But after our wedding, I wasn’t added to the chain. Come to find out, none of the spouses are included.

I have also learned from my husband that his mother really had no use for any of her kids’ spouses, because technically “we are not one of them.”

They aren’t sharing earth-shattering information with one another. It’s normally fun stuff or things their kids are up to, etc. It is very hurtful that I’m not included. I have to hear everything secondhand from my husband.

Am I wrong to feel this way? I asked him to add me to the list and he tried, but he couldn’t. Instead of pursuing it with his sister, he just dropped it.

— LEFT OUT IN FLORIDA

DEAR LEFT OUT: Your husband doesn’t have enough power in his family to do what you have been requesting, which is regrettable.

Rather than pout, consider starting a text chain of your own, comprising the outcasts who have been excluded from the “our bloodline and nobody else” chain. It might be fun, and you may find it’s a club that is welcoming and has some interesting things to say.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

We don’t actually fight that often, but this is how he always seems to end the argument – either by threatening to leave, or by leaving.

Sometimes when he is upset he says, “Why don’t we just get divorced?” and I find that very upsetting. Sometimes I lie awake in bed, worrying about our relationship.

I really do love him, and when things are good, they’re great. I’m just not sure how to respond to this.

Your take?

– Worried

Dear Worried: My first piece of advice is to not have a child until you and your husband find ways to resolve your differences without threats of divorce.

This is the nuclear option, and this threat will have a cumulative and very negative effect on your marriage.

Resolving arguments peacefully and learning how to “fight fair” are vital skills in marriage.

Your husband might be bringing in tactics or techniques he witnessed in his own childhood. When he fights this way, he is really revealing how scared and wounded he is.

You two would benefit from professional counseling. Committing to working on this together would be a huge and positive step for him.

Dear Amy: Friends ask us regularly to watch their dog and never offer us any compensation. We are not asking for cash, but a gift card would be nice.

They ask us to do this every year for one week in the summer, and then other periods throughout the year, usually lasting for a few days, and sometimes for several days at Christmas time. We live very nearby.

As former dog owners, we understand the work and time involved in managing dogs for a week.

We also understand the related costs with dog boarding, house sitting, etc. For pet owners, we know these costs can add up.

Reciprocity has been minimal at best — a 12-pack of beer, for example. (This neighbor is a minimalist who also borrows lots of things from us.)

While we don’t mind dog-watching, it really bothers us that they don’t realize our time is valuable and that a cursory thank you is not enough.

We are friendly with four families on this adjacent street and attend a regular Friday gathering. We have other neighbors in this group who gave us a $100 restaurant gift certificate for pet-sitting. We feel that they “get it.”

We’re looking for the best way to approach the conversation, as we are long-time friends and do not want to affect the relationship.

Any ideas?

– Dog Tired

Dear Dog Tired: What you call “minimalist,” I call “cheap.”

The way to deal with this and also preserve the relationship is to be enthusiastic about your willingness to do this for them and very straightforward about your terms.

Given that you also pet-sit for other friends (you’re obviously skilled, trustworthy and responsible), why don’t you go into business for yourself?

You can register as a pet-sitter/walker on a site like Rover.com, set your rate and be compensated consistently.

As you know from your time as a pet owner, reliable sitters are worth their weight in kibble. Having a friend and neighbor provide this service is added value.

Before the next time they come to you to schedule this “favor,” put the word out with your Friday friend group that you’ve registered with a pet care site as a way to continue to do this thing that you enjoy – and to make some extra income.

Offer to send them a link to your page on the site. You can offer them a “Friend and Fido” discount if you’re inclined. If they decline to book you – no problem!

Dear Amy: “Frustrated Mom” was upset because her child’s friend came over and the two girls trashed the playroom. (Mom blamed her child’s friend.)

I had a rule for my kids, which was either you ask your friends to help you clean up or you have to clean up yourself.

It also helps them realize who a true friend is!

– Experienced

Dear Experienced: This is a great rule.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

I constantly worry about the possibility of death and the impact it would have on my loved ones. This fear is preventing me from fully enjoying and appreciating the present moment.

I really don’t know how to find peace and acceptance in the face of life’s uncertainties. Is there a way to live fully without constantly dwelling on the fear of death?

— Deep Fear of Dying

DEAR DEEP FEAR OF DYING: Ask yourself why death and dying are troubling you so much right now. Has someone close to you died or become ill? Evaluate the reason for this focus.

You can also soften the impact of your death by getting your life in order: your papers, insurance for those you will leave behind, etc.

Beyond that, you have choices to make. You can dwell on the inevitable, or you can choose to live your life.

Every moment that we have is precious. If you decide to approach each day as a blessing and choose to make the most out of it, you can engage in joy and purpose.

Death is coming one day. Why not choose to enjoy life while you have it?

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband’s actions are hurting me, but I am torn because I don’t want to have a broken family, so I find myself constantly fighting back.

His behavior toward me is causing emotional pain and distress. Despite this, I am hesitant to consider separation or divorce because I worry about the impact it would have on our family and our child. Therefore, I find myself engaging in arguments and trying to defend myself, hoping that things will improve.

How can I address the hurtful behavior while still maintaining a stable and loving family environment? Is there a way to find a resolution without sacrificing my own well-being?

— Emotional Distress

DEAR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS: Do you think your husband would be willing to go to couples therapy with you? With a therapist as a referee, you may be able to acquire strategies for managing conflict that can help you work through issues without feeling debilitated.

You also may discover that you cannot bear being with him. If that is the case, you will need to make a plan of action for your future.

Know that you do not have the power to control his behavior. If he is unwilling to make the effort to create a healthy home environment with you, you do have the ability, however difficult it may seem, to move on and design a different, healthier home for you and your child.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.